by Stephanie Dawkins
I had high hopes for us baby
Like I was on dope for us baby
Chasin’ after a high that I’ll never get back again
Letting go of someone you truly love is one of the most difficult things in the world. Unfortunately, sometimes… it’s necessary. The song Forever Don’t Last came on my YouTube feed recently.
It is a song where Sullivan is reflecting her emotions on the demise of her relationship. A relationship that she thought was going to last forever. This caused to think about the state of my own relationship. I realized that if I stay in my current relationship, I am cheating myself out of a chance of finding real love and happiness.
For the past two years, I have been spinning my wheels in a relationship that does not bring me joy. It is not that he is a bad person, but he is just not capable of giving me the kind of relationship I deserve and desire.
Since , I have attempted to end this relationship more times than I can count and failed. I realized the only way to actually move forward is to come up with an action plan.
I was not sure where to start with the whole, ” letting go process,” so I read books and articles on the subject. I noticed that there were 5 common steps listed in all the books and articles that I read.
1. Make the decision to let it go.
Things don’t disappear on their own. You need to make the commitment to “let it go.” If you don’t make this conscious choice up-front, you could end up self-sabotaging any effort to move on from this past hurt.
Making the conscious decision to let it go also means accepting you have a choice to let it go. To stop reliving the past pain, to stop going over the details of the story in your head every time you think of the other person.
This is empowering to me, knowing that it is my choice to either hold on to the pain, or to live a future life without it.
2. Let go of the idea that you can control others’ actions.
We really only have control over ourselves and how we act.
You can’t change another person, so don’t waste your time and energy trying. I think this is the biggest factor that pushes people to hold onto unhelpful behaviors, like the need to please.
We think, “If only I do everything for everyone, they’ll never get mad at me.” Wrong!
3. Practice releasing regrets.
Release yourself of a specific, unnecessarily responsibility. When a relationship ends, it’s tempting to dwell on what you did wrong or what you could have done differently. This might seem productive—like you can somehow change things by rehashing it. You can’t. All dwelling does is cause you to suffer. When you start revisiting the past in your head, pull yourself into the moment. Focus on the good things in your current situation: the friends who are there for you and the lessons you’ve learned that will help you with future relationships.
Also, express the pain the hurt made you feel, whether it’s directly to the other person, or through just getting it out of your system (like venting to a friend, or writing in a journal, or writing a letter you never send to the other person). Get it all out of your system at once. Doing so will also help you understand what — specifically — your hurt is about.
4. Remember the bad as well as the good.
Brain scientists suggest nearly 20 percent of us suffer from “complicated grief,” a persistent sense of longing for someone we lost with romanticized memories of the relationship. Scientists also suggest this is a biological occurrence—that the longing can have an addictive quality to it, actually rooted in our brain chemistry. As a result, we tend to remember everything with reverie, as if it was all sunshine and roses. If your ex broke up with you, it may be even more tempting to imagine she or he was perfect and you weren’t. In all reality, you both have strengths and weaknesses and you both made mistakes. I know this to be true in my own situation because I am more addicted to him than I am in love. Trust me, I have are plenty to explain to the Lord on judgement day. 🙂
5. Reconnect with who you are outside a relationship.
Unless you hop from relationship to relationship, odds are you lived a fulfilling single life before you got into this one. You were strong, satisfied, and happy, at least on the whole.
Remember that person now. Reconnect with any people or interests that may have received less attention while you were attached.
The strong, happy, passionate person you were attracted your ex. That person will get you through this loss and attract someone equally amazing in the future when the time is right. Not a sad, depressed, guilt-ridden person clutching to what once was.